New play celebrates the beauty of, well, us

Jonny Haagen

The director, Elyse, pulled me aside at our first rehearsal.

“All right Jonny, you’ll be playing the role of John.”

“What’s he like?”

“Loud, obnoxious American guy who drinks too much, hooks up with too many girls, and has terrible Chinese…. kind of like you.”

“So I’m playing me?”

“Exactly.”

A loving tribute to the postmodern drama that is life in the Chinese capital, “I Heart Beijing” is a play by us, for us and about us. In a city that is a SAM’s CLUB of crazy characters and off-the-wall narratives, we have long needed a play to do the noble work of celebrating ourselves.

The first “Chinglish” production in the illustrious history of theater, “I Heart Beijing” tells the raucous tale of daily life in our fair city. Complete with everything from floor spitting and screaming for the “FUWUYUAN!” to late night binges and late afternoon booty calls, the play captures the uncertain comedy of the world we wake up to every morning (afternoon?).

The characters themselves are Beijing institutions: the know-it-all East Asian Studies major ten years and two breasts removed from becoming Dashan. The Chinese guy who smokes at breakfast and thinks it’s attractive to wear his shirt above the navel. The philandering American who knows more Chinese girls than Chinese characters and thinks “Can I help you with your English?” is the world’s best pickup line.

“The beauty of this piece is that I didn’t have to make anything up,” claims playwright Elyse Ribbons. “The characters are all bits and pieces of people that I know. Almost everything in the play actually happened. It’s all plagiarized from my own life.”

There will be no invisible wall between spectator and stage. “There’s going to be plenty of audience participation,” promises Ribbons. “After all, the audience members are Beijing characters, too.” To facilitate, beer will be provided with the ticket and spectators are strongly encouraged to drink before, after and during the performance. Yanjing, of course.

Cast of Characters:

Sylvia: Beautiful, opinionated Zhongguotong with perfect tones and a deep appreciation for Chinese culture. Like most white women in Beijing, she’s sexually frustrated and looking to take it out on you.

John: Look out ChinaBounder, there’s a new Casanova on the block. This Ugly American drinks like Bukowski, calls waitresses “xiaojie” and names all his girlfriends Apple.

Liu Ming: China’s most eligible bachelor. He smokes like a chimney, spits like a shortstop, and thinks “hygiene” is some kind of foreign imperialism.

Lucy: Classic ABC. She might look Chinese, but she can’t read Hanzi and can’t pronounce the second tone. The closest she’s come to spreading Chinese culture was an infamous appearance in Playboy’s “Asian Babes of the Pac-10”.

Ting Ting: She smokes. She drinks. She’s had an orgasm. Opened-up but unreformed, this naughty nymphet has been directly linked to the surge of Asian fetishes worldwide.

The Details
“I Heart Beijing” Nov 17-19 Hart Center (Dashanzi). Showcase performances on Nov 9, 10, and 14 at Café Europa, 5:19, and The Bookworm respectively. www.iheartbeijing.com